When I first heard about Black Swan, I must admit I was a bit skeptical. I mean, how interesting could a movie about Ballet be? I had known about Darren Aronofky’s previous works, (such as Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain,) but I had no idea how a film of this nature would pan out. I must say I was more than pleasantly surprised. First let me lay out the basics of the film.

Sweet Nina is a coddled child. She gets everything she wants in life, as long as it comes with her mother’s approval. When Nina gets the chance to play the lead in Swan Lake, she faces stiff competition in Lily. Where as Nina is sweet and perfect for the part of the White Swan, she lacks the dark side Lily is able to bring to the part. In her race to try and become the perfect Black Swan, Nina starts to get in touch with her dark side and finds her life spiraling out of control.

While there is very little gore in the film, that which is shown is highly effective. Several scenes are actually cringe-worthy for even the most seasoned Horrorphiles, not for their blood content but how the damage is done to the characters. The acting is top-notch, with Kunis and Portman bringing their A-games to their roles. The plot is very well structured and while the end of the film might be a bit predictable, most scenes are fresh and very surprising as they come up. The film, while brilliant, is not without it’s flaws. The character of Thomas Leroy is somewhat stereotypical. The strange foreigner/teacher who is not only lewd but also manages to seduce the pure main character seems to be a quiet cliché in any good suspense story. Qualms aside, the film is astounding and is allowed to bear the right of Oscar Nomination. As to if it should win the Oscar, that is up to you the viewer to decide.

And here I thought Halloween was a scary time of year.

The tree is lit, the stockings are up, and you poisoned all those little bastard mice to keep them quiet, but something is still…wrong. Did you forget to get the kids that hot new toy, or your wife something shiny that will satiate her for another year? Never mind all that, it’s time to fall asleep and dream of sexy fairies dancing around your head and hope the wife doesn’t catch on before the kids wake you up at 4 A.M.

And then something cuts off your head. Had you just watched horror movies you would have known to lock the doors and windows, shut the flume on the chimney and not have fed the pets after midnight. Yes, in horror Christmas has become the third most dangerous time of year after summer and Halloween. There is always some cheap knock-off mall Santa or Gary Busey possessed Gingerbread Men waiting to take a swipe out of you while you wallow in the joys of consumerism hell. But just why is Christmas so dangerous in the land of Horror? Could it be a natural outgrowth of the stress we all feel during the holiday season rearing it’s ugly head (What do you mean you don’t have this is XXXL and purple!), or is it a play on the reason for the season? (Who needs Jesus when you have X-box?) The answer is simple. It’s a large Holiday, when everyone is supposed to come together and put aside their differences. That’s why they must be ripped apart. Horror films fill the crucial role of giving humans something to be afraid of. It helps keep our minds off life’s real problems such as bills, kids, and burning the turkey. They are coping mechanism. If you’re afraid of a fictional character, you are distracted from your real worry. You know they can’t hurt you, but you still get a nice little high from it. (Look it up, fear releases Adrenaline. It’s why most people love fast rides and cheap dates.) Horror films also act as a cautionary tale for those who need one. While there is a poor chance of some psycho killer coming down the chimney on Christmas Eve and killing you, there is a fair chance someone might break into your house and steal your crap so you better lock those doors. Yes, as time has gone on and Christmas has become more commercial and the economy has gone to crap, more and more Christmas horror films have been produced to help address these fears. Don’t believe me? What other reason would Gingerdead Man have been produced and given a sequel?

Name: Jason Voorhees Height: 4' 2" at time of death. Reported to be 6' 5" after death? Weight: Unknown. Hair Color: N.A. Eye Color: Blue D.O.B.: June 13th, 1 946 D.O.D. June 13th, 1957 Last Known Place of Residence: Crystal Lake, N.J. Last Known Employer: N.A.

The Events of These Reports are Based on Information Given by Eyewitness Accounts and Police Reports. The Views Expressed are not of the Interviewer.

Jason Voorhees was born to Pamela and Elias Voorhees. Very little is known about Elias other than he was an alcoholic and abandoned the family due to Jason's condition. He would later father a daughter named Diana and disappeared, his body being found months later in a ditch. Jason, being mentally and physically disabled, died while attending Camp Crystal Lake where his mother was a cook. He had jumped in the lake while the counselors were distracted and drowned. However, his body was never recovered. That same year, Camp Crystal lake was the home to two murders and was shut down. Every attempt to re-open the cam was halted due to what can only be assumed interference by Pamela Voorhees. The Camp finally re-opened in 1979, 21 years after the first murders occurred.

On June 13th 1979, Pamela Voorhees killed six camp counselors. The only survivor of the rampage, Alice, killed Pamela and was treated for shock. Two months later, Alice disappeared. Five years later, in July of 1984, Camp Crystal Lake re-opened once again. Over six days, Jason Voorhees was reported to have killed 52 people before young Tommy Jarvis impaled him in the head with his machete. This event is supported by not one but two coroner internment reports, a record fifteen police reports, and six witnesses, three of them claiming to have killed Jason. Crystal Lake was shut down one again, and renamed Forest Green.>

Two years later, Forest Green's name is changed back to Crystal Lake and marketed as a tourist trap. All was quiet again until 1992, when Jason rose from the grave. Even though Camp Crystal Lake is at this time defunct, the primary victims are still teenagers. Eleven people were murdered over a period of four days. The police start to report the incidents, but do not arrest the survivors.

A year later, Jason was reported on the cruise ship The Lazarus and then in Manhattan. Everyone on-board the Lazarus died save for two teenagers who reported to the police soon after port.

Somehow, the deaths continued at Crystal Lake until 1996, where in police shoot and kill a man in the woods assuming him to be Jason. The Coroner for the case disappeared and was found dead 3 miles away from the morgue where Jason's body was interred. It is assumed he started copycat killing, yet oddly his body when examined had been dead for two days with his heart missing. That would place the time of his death as the night he disappeared from the morgue. Several more bodies were reported to be found in the same condition, each one found to have been dead yet many were seen just hours prior in town. This discrepancy is not addressed in the FBI files. The killings continued for a period of three days, each getting closer to Crystal Lake. Diana Kimble was found dead in her home, stabbed in the back. Her body then disappeared from the morgue. It was assumed it is the work of her daughters boyfriend, Steven Freeman. On the night of October 21st, five people were killed around the old Voorhees home, one of these being the famous Creighton Duke. Freeman, Jessica Kimble and their child are allowed to return home after brief questioning.

Five years later, Jason is spotted in Springwood, Ohio. Little information is available on this incident, as most of the files seem to refer to previous case subject Fredrick Krueger. As they referred to Krueger, most of the police files from the Springwood Police Department have been destroyed. It is said by the survivors that both attacked the town at the same time, however this is very unlikely. As of this writing, the Voorhees case remains open. Camp Crystal Lake is slated to open again for the Summer 2010 season. The new camp claims to be in a fenced enclosure and touts complimentary police protection as well as mandatory self-defense courses.

Special Guest Article By Sam. Just Sam.

You kids now-a-days have no idea what scary is, with your damn sparkly vampires and hunky werewolves. Back in my day, werewolves killed the people they loved! Went out on a full moon, ripped out their throats, and pissed on their bodies. And they were damn well proud of that, because it was America and loving others was a sign of a communist! And don’t get me started on vampires! Back in our day, they went around, looking at hot pieces of ass and raping them! Then they were turned into vampires. Let me tell you, the whole damn block was monsters back in those days, before the world became all P.C. We had Vampire Vinny Vatelley, the city butcher. Nice guy but a bit odd. Then we had good ol’ Frankenstein monsters Martha and Steven. Not much for talking, and never came to bonfires, but damn could they run a hardware store. Then we had good old Wolfman Jones. He was one of them “Creatures from the Black Lagoon.” Strange name, but what can you do, his parents were Asian.

But then you kids had to come along with your hip-hop and Internet, and you know what happened to all my old friends? Your parents came with fire and pitchforks and killed them all for “ Killing our children,” “Being a public nussance,” or “ Not mending your lawn.” Don’t listen to what anyone says, Fred Kruger was killed because he never touched a lawnmower. Never trust a homeowners association. As for me, God only knows why I’ve lasted this long on the block. The neighbor’s dog tells me everyday that someone’s on to me, but he’s been keeping that sort of talk on the down-low since I killed him 2 months ago. Either way, I find you kids on my lawn again, and I’ll do to you what I did to that Tax Collector last Thursday.

Name: Elliott Spenser A.k.a Pinhead, The Engineer, God Height: 5’9” Weight: 170 pounds Hair Color: Brown Eye Color: Blue D.O.B: Liverpool, 1887. Last Known Place of Residence: (Assumed) Cambodia, 1921. Known Employer: British Expeditionary Force.

Very little is known of Elliot Spencer’s early life. Spencer was born in 1887 to an affluent family and as such was given an education befitting of the middle class until he joined the British Expeditionary Force. It wasn’t long until he rose to the rank of Captain. Soon after he and his unit were sent out to fight in the First World War. It was here that Spencer fought in the Second Battle of Flanders, a battle that began his gradual mental breakdown. Spencer, a fairly empathetic man, was disillusioned with the horrors that man could visit upon one another. This, coupled with P.T.S.D. or Shellshock as it was known at the time, led Spencer into a deep depression. He was eventually dismissed from active duty near the end of the war. Unlike other survivors of the war, Spencer could not and would not seek refuge in religion stating, “ God fell at Flanders, too.” Instead he turned to the religion of the flesh. Over the next four years of his life, he sought several earthly pleasures, many of these bordering on Hedonism and Masochism. There are several passing references to him in the notes of other army survivors living in the same area, many of them implying wild Opium induced orgies occurring at Spencer’s home. All mention of Spencer is dropped in late 1921, and Spenser himself disappeared. Nothing would be heard of Spencer for nearly 65 years when a 20 year old Kirsty Cotton claimed Spenser had been transformed into a monster by a box called The Lament Configuration. Cotton had been put in institutional care after a fire consumed the home her father and stepmother lived in, an act she claimed had been the doing of The Box, later revealed to be a seamless puzzle box found in the cotton attic. Cotton had been found wandering the streets on November 15 1989 babbling about creatures she called “Cenobites.” She claimed Frank cotton, her missing uncle, had come back from the dead using the blood of living men after he had escaped hell through the box. In order to accomplish this, Frank enlisted the help of his one time lover and Kirsty’s stepmother Julia to lure men to the house. Kirsty had apparently opened the box, and in doing so let out the Cenobites and offered to retrieve Frank for them in order to save her own soul for the lead Cenobite whom she dubbed “Pinhead.” Frank killed Kirsty’s father, her stepmother, and then the house was destroyed in a fire caused by the sealing of The Box. While the deaths of her father, stepmother, and several unidentified men were being investigated, tragedy struck the institution where Cotton had been interred.

One Dr. Channard apparently had previous knowledge of The Lament Configuration, and when Cotton had come into Channard’s care, he went mad and sacrificed most of his patients in order to satisfy “The Box.” Channard was never found, and only Cotton and a juvenile only identified as “Tiffany” escaped. Under questioning, both claimed it was the work of The Box and that Channard had opened up the portal to hell in order to be with Cotton’s re-born stepmother. Both Kirtsy and “Tiffany” were kept under psychological care for 6 month’s after the incident, after which time both were released. It was during this time that Cotton made mention of Spenser, claiming that “Pinhead” was in fact a mutated, corrupted form of Spenser and that he had saved her from Cannard who himself had become corrupted. Cotton was cleared of all charges and soon moved back to the States. The Juvenile was found to have been partially lobotomized by Cannard, and was released to family care. While one would assume this would be the end of Spencer’s story, something strange happened three years later. On the night of October 21st, 1992, an unknown assailant attacked and killed every patron of The Boiler Room, a local B.D.S.M. Club. Joey Summerskill, a T.V Reporter for a Los Angeles affiliate, was found close to the scene. Summerskill claimed to police that The Box had been opened; releasing Pinhead and that through her dreams Elliott Spencer had contacted her to “control his dark part.” It is here that Spencer’s story is expanded upon. According to Summerskill, Spenser had found “The Box” in order to experience ultimate pleasure. It then transformed him into a monster. Kirsty Cotton had apparently split Spenser from his demonic half that now wished to be free from “The Box.” Summerskill worked with Spencer in order to contain the evil once more. When questioned by police, Summerskill claimed the box was “somewhere it would never hurt anyone ever again.” It is now assumed that the killings that occurred in The Boiler Room were carried out J.P. Munroe, his girlfriend Terri, and Summerskill’s partner Daniel Fisher as these parties disappeared the same night. Summerskill was held in a mental institution for three months, after which she was released and her name cleared of the killings and given a clean bill of mental health. Summerskill and Cotton were both questioned in the case, but no link has been found between the two at this time, raising question about the legitimacy of the box. Since that time, there have been more and more references to “Pinhead,” and The Lament Configuration in occult circles on the Internet. These references range from dreams of “The Box” to the ability to bring back the dead by striking a deal with Pinhead. When sought for council on this case, noted parapsychologist and detective Harry D’Amore stated “ The Box and what lies in it is real, but I don’t want to meet it

Whatever the case, Spencer seems to be alive and well within the minds of those who claim to find arcane power in a puzzle box, and in turn those who wish for that power. Who is to say when Spencer will appear again?

Ever get home at night, take off the dress and the slippers, and just want to have a good cry while watching someone get disemboweled? No? How about just watch a horror film with a touch of sentimental value to it? Here are the top ten films that love to remind you that you’re a woman, even if you’re not.

10. Inside (À l'intérieur) 2007

Being a mother has never been harder. Four months after the death of her husband, a young woman has to protect her child from an intruder who wishes to take it for herself. The only problem is, the child hasn’t been born yet.

9. Grace(2009)

When Madeline looses her unborn child, she refuses to let it die. Carrying it to term, she is surprised when the child lives. However, it has some unusual tastes.

8. May(2002)

7. Ju-On 2 (2003)

All Kyoko wanted was to make it big on T.V. What she got was the Saeki Curse. The sequel to the hit Japanese film Ju-On: The Grudge, this film will tug at your heart strings a few times before shocking you into submission

6. Wishing Stairs (Yeogo goedam 3: Yeowoo gyedan) 2003

This film is the third sequel to the Whispering Corridors series. At a girls boarding school, there is a legend. If you climb the 28 steps leading to the dormitory with your eyes closed and find a 29, you will be granted any wish you desire. Yun Jin-seong makes her wish, but the results turn out disastrous.

5. Dark Water (Honogurai mizu no soko kara) 2002

When Yoshimi goes through a horrible divorce and gains custody of her daughter, she is forced to move into a new building. However, the building has a past that wishes to claim Yoshimi’s daughter as it’s own. Written by Koji Suzuki, creator of The Ring Cycle.

4. Poltergeist(1982)

Written by Steven Speilburg and Directed by Tobe Hooper, this film is a staple of many horror fan’s childhoods. Carol Ann and her family have lived in peace for years in their house. Sadly, that peace was not meant to last.

3. One Missed Call (Chakushin Ari)

People start dying after a mysterious ring-tone appears on their phone and tells them how they will die. And it’s spreading. Directed by Takashi Miike.

2. Ginger Snaps (2000)

Ginger and Bridgett don’t fit in. What’s even worse is Ginger is starting to pull away from her sister. Bridgetts worries get worse when her sister goes through the changes of life; Hair growing in new places, getting into boys, and turning into a werewolf. Ahh, the joys of adolescence.

1. The Orphanage (El Orfanato) 2007

Laura, an orphan, brings her family back to the orphanage in which she grew up intending to make it an Orphanage for other children. However, unknown to Laura, the Orphanage has unexpected secrets to tell, and it will tell them only to her.

Charles (Chucky) Lee Ray, The Lakeshore Strangler
Height: 5'9
Weight: Unknown
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Blue
D.O.B: Unknown
Last Known Place of Residence: Buried in Hackensack, NJ, 1988.
Last Known Employer: N.A.

Charles Lee Ray, also known as The Lakeshore Strangler, was a serial killer outside of Chicago Illinois. It was here that he killed at the very least 16-22 people, the most prominent being Vivian Van-Pelt, the heiress of the Van-Pelt fortune. His press name was a bit of a misnomer, with only his first killing being carried out through strangulation. The rest were carried out through various means, but primarily through repeated stabbings through the hearts and subsequent victims were found ritualistically staged Petro Loa Voodoo sacrifices. Ray's physical whereabouts were last reported to be fleeing from the scene of a murder with his accomplice Eddie Kaputo. A silent alarm was tripped, and the police gave chase. Kaputo, sensing danger, forced Ray out of the car where he was chased on foot by the police and killed.

While Ray's body died, his reputation did not. Two weeks after the death of Ray, the homicides began again, this time centering on a 6-year-old boy named Charles Barkley. Barkley was found with a Good Guy doll at the scene of the death of Eddie Kaputo and taken in for psychiatric evaluation. It is during this time that several more killings occurred, many of them previous contacts of Ray's. Barkley made claim that it was the doll's doing. Two days after, the boy's mother and the lead detective on the case would be put into psychotic care after being admitted to a hospital with severe wounds. When questioned, all parties claimed it was the doing of the doll. The doll, a viable piece of evidence was taken by Play Pal Inc. Barkley was put into foster care and given psychiatric care. The case was closed due to lack of evidence, though blood found on the scene matched that of Ray.

Two years later, the killings started again. Barkley after having gone under extreme psychological counseling, was deemed fit to be adopted out to an experienced foster family. It was during this time that all who came into contact with Barkley was killed. His foster father was reported to have died of a broken neck three weeks after Barkley's adoption. It was at this time that Barkley was sent back to the orphanage, but within hours he had escaped, killing his psychologist and the head of the orphanage. Five hours later, Barkley and his foster sister Kyle appeared at the police station and gave the story that the Good Guy doll from before had killed everyone, and led police to the bodies of his slain foster mother as well as those of their other victims. As both were underage, they were arrested in put in juvenile corrective facilities. The press from the incident caused Play Pal Toys to shut down. The alleged doll was found semi melted on the floor of the factory. It is unknown what was done with it, but it is assumed to have been recycled or destroyed at some point.

killings settled down for eight years, until Play Pal Toys once again opened its doors. At this time, Barkley had been pardoned for the crimes, with no evidence having been produced pointing to his involvement and thus after years in foster care he had been enrolled in a Military Academy. Three days after his enrollment, several of the teachers and the cadets were found killed in various ways, the majority being killed during a yearly war game in which paint rounds had been replaced with live ammo. When the police arrived, they once again found Barkley at the scene of the crime, and again all parties put the blame on the doll. The remains of the doll, while badly beaten, was taken as evidence and Barkley was arrested. His current whereabouts are unknown, as he changed his name after the ensuing trial and his acquittal due to the abduction of the doll from evidence and the subsequent killings that took place.

Two weeks after the arrest of Barkley and three weeks before his trial, the doll was removed from evidence by the night guard on duty, who was later found killed. A week after this, the doll who had now become known as "chucky" in the media was once again reported to be on the loose. Jesse and Jade, a couple who had eloped, went on a cross country killing spree, eventually ending up in Hackensack New Jersey where they were apprehended by police. The case became another media frenzy with the strange death of a previously unknown partner of Ray Tiffany Valentine, and fingerprint evidence linking Ray to the murders eight years after his death. The stolen doll was found on the scene of the crime along with another female doll. Jesse and Jade while out on bail told the press about their story. Andy Barkley was let out of jail, and after subsequent investigation Jesse and Jade were released.

The story of Jesse and Jade, along with the story of Barkley, became popular in both the media and urban legend. Six years later, on the set of a movie based on the events called "Chucky Goes Crazy," the murders began again . It was during this time that the wife of the night officer who had originally stolen the doll had been called by someone claiming to be Tiffany Valentine. Before the killing was done, Jennifer Tilly was found bound and gagged in her own home, with her two children close by. It was not known that she was pregnant or how she kept it secret as she had been seen just days earlier showing no sign of pregnancy. Originally she claimed it the doing of talking dolls, but after a rest she changed her story and denied all involvement with the case. She currently resides in Pasadena with her two children.

With the media frenzy that followed, the production of "Chucky Goes Crazy" was put on hold until 2008. Don Mancini, one of the interns on the unfinished film, rewrote the script and plans to release the film under the new name "Child's Play," sometime in 2011.

Name: Ashley (Ashly) J. Williams
Height: 6" 2'
Weight: Unknown.
Hair Color: Dark Brown.
Eye Color: Brown.
D.O.B: Unknown.
Last Known Place of Residence: Dearborn Michigan
Last Employer: S-mart.

These are the Events at the Knowby Cabin as relayed to the Interviewer by a Mr. Ashley J. Williams. All Times stated are close approximations based on the patients memories.

It is estimated that Ashley J Williams, a native of Michigan, first encountered The Necronomicon Exmortis in a cabin owned by Professor Raymond Knowby and his wife Henrietta in November of last year. Ash, with four others including his girlfriend Linda, his sister Cheryl, and his friends Scotty and Shelly, had arrived at the cabin in Southern Tennessee to take a weekend retreat during their fall break from MSU. The reported events of the next seven days are as follows.

First Day: Mr. Williams and his friends arrive at the Knowby Cabin at around Five P.M. All was reported to be well until 8:30 that evening when a disturbance was noted in the cellar. Mr. Williams had gone into the cellar with a friend to investigate and found the research tools of Professor Raymond Knowby, most prominent of these being an "Old tape recorder, and the book." Around 9:00 P.M, he and his friends played the tape, and learned of the nature of Knowby's research. Two hours later, after most of the party had retired, Cheryl allegedly came to the front door in distress. She claimed to have been sexually assaulted by the trees of the forest after she went outside to investigate the sound. Mr. Williams, against his better judgment, conceded to drive her back to town. When he went to do so, however, the two found the bridge to the cabin "Curled over on both sides."

2nd Day: At 12 A.M, Cheryl Williams became "possessed," and reportedly floated four feet in the air. She then attacked the rest of the party until she was locked into the cellar. About an hour later, a scream was heard coming from Shelly in a back room along with the sound of glass breaking. Scotty went to investigate and was then attacked by a "possessed" Shelly. Mr. Williams grabbed an axe to defend himself, only to have it taken from him and used on Shelly. The two then buried her outside of the premises. At around 4:00 A.M, Scotty went into the woods to find a way around the bridge, while Mr. Williams was left alone with his sister and his girlfriend. It was during this time that Linda became "possessed," yet unresponsive. Scotty returned to the cabin mortally wounded claiming assault by the trees. Linda taunts Mr. Williams and attacked him. During the ensuing struggle, Mr. Williams stabbed her, and tried to bury her in a shallow grave, only to have her attack him again. He then cut off her head with a shovel. He then buried her remains and returned to the cabin to find Scotty dead and the cellar door open. Mr. Williams was then attacked by his sister and a reanimated Scotty. It was then that he burned the book, and the two "melted." Mr. Williams stepped out of the cabin and was attacked by an unseen force. His next memory occurs around 5:00 P.M, When he woke up in the mud outside the cabin. He then attempted to flee, only to be reminded that the bridge was out. Mr. Williams was then pursued again by the unseen force, and hid in the cellar. After boarding up the windows of the cabin, Mr. Williams fell into a fitful sleep, only to be awakened by the corpse of Linda rising from the grave and attacking him. After cutting up her body and burying it again, Mr. Williams reports that his hand became possessed and attacked him. He was forced to cut it off with a chainsaw and then "chase it through the cabin."

3rd Day: 12:00 A.M. Annie Knowby, the daughter of Raymond and Henrietta Knowby, along with her fiancé Edward and her traveling party arrived at the cabin from a side road. Mr. Williams shot at the door and hit the unknown female of the group, and was then attacked by Jake and the un-named male and thrown into the cellar. It was during this time Mr. Williams and the rest of the party heard the latter half of the tape, where in Professor Knowby admitted to the murder of his wife. It was at this time Henrietta Knowby crawled out of the floor of the fruit cellar and attacked Mr. Williams. The Knowby party let him out of the cellar and allowed him to explain his story after locking in the animated corpse of Henrietta Knowby. At around 2:30 A.M., Edward became the next victim of possession and subsequently was dismembered by Mr. Williams. It was soon after that Mr. Williams claims a ghostly apparition of Professor Knowby entered the cabin and informed the party on how to destroy the evil force using lost pages from the book. Soon afterwards, the unknown female fled into the woods in fear. She was never seen again. The unknown male then forced Mr. Williams and Ms. Knowby into the woods at gunpoint. It was during this time Mr. Williams believes he became possessed. His next recollection centers on him being attacked by Ms. Knowby with an ax, and calming her long enough to construct a weapon to fight the possessed Henrietta. He retrieved the pages of the book and dismembered Henrietta, while Ms. Knowby set about reciting the passages to destroy the evil. It was during this process that Mr. Williams dismembered hand attacked Ms. Knowby, killing her in the process. A portal to the 1300's was then opened up and sucked the evil force and Mr. Williams back through time. Mr. Williams fell from the portal into the 1300's, where he was then attacked by the forces of King Arthur. He was then thrown in a pit full of "Deadites," and defeated them while gaining the favor of both King Arthur's and Henry the Red's courts and gaining the affection of one Sheila.

4th Day: Mr. Williams constructed a prosthetic hand out of a suit of Armor, and then set out to find the book in the past so that he could return back to his own time. During this period, (please note that time had become of inconsequence,) Mr. Williams had fought several miniature versions of himself, grown a full sized evil version of himself painfully from his body, and then disposed of said version of himself. He then found the book, but unfortunately did not recite a spell correctly and thus "woke up an army of the un-dead," led by his undead evil twin. Upon returning to King Arthurs court, Mr. Williams and Sheila were attacked and Sheila abducted by a flying Deadite.

Days 5 and 6 were marked with preparation. Mr. Williams taught the court how to make gunpowder, how to fight, and modified his car to run on steam power while the armies of the dead and Henry the Red marched towards the castle.

7th Day: Mr. Williams led the defense against the army of the dead. With his improved tools, Mr. Williams and the armies of Henry the Red and King Arthur defeated the Deadite army and the Evil Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams was then offered the role of king but turned it down to return home to his time.

Mr. Williams was admitted to our care on Memorial Day of this year after a customer attacked him and a co-worker. Mr. Williams took it upon himself to attack the customer and killed her with a double barrel shotgun attained from S-mart's sporting goods section.

Addendum: Soon after his admittance, he was found not guilty by a court of law due to self-defense. He was brought up on charges of abduction in the missing persons cases he claims to have part in, but was later acquitted due to lack of evidence. Recommendation of detainment for psychological analysis was rejected. Mr. Williams whereabouts are unknown as of this time.

It's a late summer night. The tension in the air is high, and all you can think about is that hot young thing in Cabin E. You know the one, legs that go on for miles and morals that seem just a tad too loose. You wait anxiously as you hear the door open and see her walk in. The time is right for you my lad, for as of tonight you will no longer be a virgin! You lay down your smoothest line and excuse yourself to the bathroom to "freshen up" a bit. You see the condom on the sink, but this girl probably gets laid so much she probably uses birth control pills as breath mints. You burst open the door ready to seize the night when you see it; Her guts spilled all over the floor, her head on the totem pole outside. The bathroom door creaks closed slowly behind you and then, well, needless to say you're no longer a virgin. You're no longer much of anything save for another body on the count of some deranged killer.

Why is it that every time someone gets some in a horror movie, they have to die? Even if you play it safe and wear a condom, things can and often do go horribly wrong very fast. A better question would to be why do people only die in western horror movies when they have sex? Ah, now there is the qualm. Notice how in horror movies from other cultures you rarely find the Sex=Death equation save those influenced by American horror movies.

So why is this limited to American Horror? The answer is somewhat simple, and goes all the way back to America's roots. America was founded primarily by the puritans, or as they are known by most, the guys who started thanksgiving. While others had come across America and settled here, it was the puritans who had the most leeway on how we as a colony ran. Contrary to popular belief, the puritans were not the freedom loving, Native American befriending people we think of today. In actuality, they were a rather strange subset of Christianity that left England for freedom of religion, which they then promptly took away from everyone else once they settled here. Every puritan was made to live life as pure as possible, all things covered up, all following a group mentality, mainly thinking that the English Reformation was not strict enough. While every puritan tried to live life as "pure" as possible, they all believed that every person is preordained for heaven or hell. So instead of doing the sensible thing and just trying to live life to the fullest, they lived life like it was the most boring thing ever, because God might be watching. In other words, they were a God damned cult.

     Yes, it is true that they did have sex, but this was behind closed doors and never spoken about in the general public, much less shown in any shape or form, and always with the lords consent. In such a tight nit, pious community, it was just safer to assume that Goodey Hen and her husband just spontaneously made a child out of God's love than to think they had sex. Ok that might be a bit extreme, but if anything about their sex life were to reach the public, well, that would lead to some very bad times for the Hens. This idea of privacy in the bedroom has, over time, latched itself onto out collective identity. While America is becoming more progressive in their ideas of sex, it is hard to break an idea that has been around since the nations conception.

So where does this land horror movies? Horror movies tend to tap into the subconscious fears and desires of the human psyche. Where is a human more vulnerable than in the bedroom? Have you ever tried to run for your life in the middle of sex? It's not easy. This, combined with the idea that open sex is a moral wrong, and you get yourself a pot of terror stew. So, if you absolutely must get it on with the hot co-ed next door, at least do the progressive thing and wear a condom. That at least gives you a small chance of surviving the film, unless it's this film, and then you're really screwed.

Have you ever woken up one morning to find the world as you know it has turned upside down? Suddenly, are all the lights in your house casting a deep blue sepia; Is your house now located next to a spooky cemetery, and more importantly, do the walls in the kitchen seem to be bleeding more than usual? Then you need "How to Survive a Horror Movie: All the Skills to Dodge the Kills." The book, while a survival guide to the world of horror movies, is also a humorous look at all of those cliché's horror movies tend to favor, such as "The 6 Character types in a Horror Movie," "What to do if there are Snakes on your Plane," and the all important "How to Convince the Skeptical Local Sheriff." Mr. Grahame-Smith takes great, and somewhat sarcastic, care to detail every possible situation and the correct response to take when faced with a creature of the undead.

When I first saw this book, I had to admit, I had my doubts. The rules of horror movies have been hammered into our heads again and again since long before "Scream" came out, so what could this book tell me that I don't already know? After reading the first chapter, I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of the same old rules that everyone knows, such as "The Cat is a Forbearer of your Doom," Smith takes his tips for dodging your unceremonious death at the hands at killers to a new level, such as the innovative "Switch Genres," and the 5 steps C.R.A.V.E.N. technique. He also encourages you, the young hero of this film, to use the resources around you to your advantage, such as your friendly neighborhood shop teacher. Another thing that impressed me was the great drawings done by Nathan Fox. I had expected the book to be bland as dish-water like most survival guides, but I often found myself turning to a page and busting out laughing. How often do you see a woman mace a masked killer without even looking up?

Whatever you do you should buy this book, because you never know just where and when you will walk into a horror movie.

For more from Seth Grahame-Smith, pick up "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and "The Big Book of Porn" Today.